Books, Bland

If your library's Banned Books Week display is too racy for your patrons, consider adding a complementary display of Bland Books.

Ask the readers: What would be in your Bland Books display case?

Banned Books, Justifiably

As librarians celebrate intellectual freedom during Banned Books Week, it is important that they also celebrate their right to boldly and unapologetically ban terrible books from their library's shelves.  (Yes, I am talking about you, Harlequin Romance's Stories Set in the World of Nascar.)

Ask the readers: What books do you think should be banned from your library?

Banned Books, Displaying

Never trust a student worker to put together a library display of banned books.  If you do, you'll likely end up with a display of biographies about Lady Gaga and other band books.

Banned books, Showcasing

Librarians should celebrate Banned Books Week by showcasing all the really nasty, perverted sex books they buy for their libraries. You know, the raunchy, titillating ones.  With the photographs.

Ask the readers: What is the nastiest book in your library?

Punctuation, Using

Librarians should celebrate National Punctuation Day by giving all of their punctuation marks the day off

Survive, How to

The best way to make the case that your library is underfunded, understaffed, and overworked is to spend a lot of money, staff, and time producing a YouTube video that explains how busy you are.  If you are successful, maybe your video will result in funding for a key grip librarian.  Or an editor.

Busy, Staying

Win sympathy from your library coworkers by telling them that you are too busy to keep up your blog.  This works best when it is communicated via your Facebook status updates.

Patrons, Photographing

Librarians who invite their patrons to participate in the American Library Association's "Show Us Your Library Card!" photo campaign should be aware that patrons who expect to be photographed and featured on the Internet may show up at your library nude or costumed.

Voice, Mailing your

A polite librarian should help library colleagues keep their overburdened inboxes clean by opting for long, rambling, hyper-detailed voice mail messages in lieu of email.

Books, Burning

Librarians should vehemently oppose book burnings... unless the books are Reader's Digest Condensed Books that have been donated as gifts for your library.

Bliss, Avoidance is

It is perfectly acceptable to take long, circuitous routes from point A to point B in your library so that you can pretend you didn't see the entire contents of the children's section dumped in the floor.

Affection, Public displays of

If you happen upon a couple engaged in sexual activity in the library, always allow them a few minutes to 'finish up' before escorting them from the premises.  This will also allow you, the librarian, some time to quickly assemble some suggested readings, including a collection of love poetry, the Kama Sutra, and an illustrated color atlas of sexually transmitted diseases.